


Therapy 102

by onemechanicalalligator



Series: Therapy [2]
Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Study, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fear, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26776903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onemechanicalalligator/pseuds/onemechanicalalligator
Summary: Jeff keeps going to therapy.A continuation of Therapy 101 -- I would recommend reading that one first!
Relationships: Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger
Series: Therapy [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952179
Comments: 18
Kudos: 92





	Therapy 102

**Session Eleven**

Jeff stops bringing coffee and, by extension, liquor, to his therapy sessions. It’s hard to pass the time, though. To sit with his uncomfortable emotions for an entire hour. He hates it, and it’s awkward, and it hurts. But he does it anyway, because he thinks he’s already wasted enough time and money. He thinks maybe he can trust his therapist now.

She asks him how he’s feeling today, and what he wants to talk about.

Jeff thinks: _I want to crawl out of my skin. I hate everything about being here. I hate that you know that I’m broken now, and that I have to talk to you about it if I ever plan on fixing it._

Jeff thinks: _I might be wasting my time. What if I can’t be fixed? What if this is just me, now, forever? What if the chance for redemption has already come and gone?_

Jeff thinks: _I want to talk about fear, and shame, and hurt, and loss, and desire. I want to talk about how all I want is to be drinking all the time, and it’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep, and it scares me, it scares me, it scares me._

Jeff says: “I don’t know. I’m scared.”

She asks what he’s scared of.

Jeff says: “I think I drink too much. I don’t know how to stop.”

They talk about that.

**Session Twelve**

She asks him about Abed. 

Well, no, she doesn’t. 

She asks him about love. 

She asks him why he doesn’t feel good enough for the person he loves. 

She asks him if that’s something he feels like talking about.

Jeff thinks: _I’m in love with Abed. I’m not good enough for Abed. I want him, but I don’t deserve him._

Jeff thinks: _I want him. God, I want him. I can’t stop looking at him. His face. His legs, in those skinny jeans. His hands. I want to touch him. I want to taste him. I want all of him, all time._

Jeff says: “He’s beautiful and confident and observant. I’m positive he knows that I’m broken. He deserves better than that.”

Jeff says: “We hung out a couple of weeks ago outside of school. It was nice.”

They talk about that.

**Session Thirteen**

She asks him about his problem with eating. 

Jeff thinks: _I’ve been fucked up about eating for as long as I can remember. It started whenever I started hating my body. I hate talking about it more than anything in the world._

Jeff thinks: _I’m afraid of carbs. I’m afraid of people watching me eat. I’m afraid of being unhealthy. I’m afraid that I say ‘unhealthy’ when what I really mean is ‘overweight.’ I’m afraid of myself, and what I’m capable of doing. I’m afraid of myself and what I’m_ not _capable of doing. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of myself._

Jeff thinks: _I’m so fucking embarrassed._

Jeff says: “I don’t really know what to say.”

She looks at him and doesn’t say anything.

Jeff says: “I’m not okay.”

She asks him some questions. He answers them truthfully. She asks if he wants to start at the beginning, and he says okay.

Jeff says: “I’ve been fucked up about eating for as long as I can remember. It started whenever I started hating my body. I hate talking about it more than anything in the world.”

They talk about that.

**Session Fourteen**

He wants to tell her about Abed. Wants to make her understand what kind of person he is, why Jeff doesn’t deserve him. Why this is so hard for Jeff. Why he can’t just tell him how he feels. Why he can’t explain.

Jeff thinks: _Abed is everything. He’s different from anyone I’ve ever known. He overcomes his challenges and doesn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks._

Jeff thinks: _Abed is good, and I am bad._

Jeff thinks: _Abed should have someone who will cherish him without getting caught up in their own shit. Someone who will give him the love and care he deserves. Someone who can show him how important he is._

Jeff says: “I’ve never wanted anyone so much. I’ve never been so scared of how I feel.”

They talk about that.

******Session Fifteen**

She starts the meeting by handing him a packet of schedules for recovery meetings. There are a bunch of different programs, all with different approaches and different methods and different numbers of steps. She asks if he would be willing to pick a few and attend them, see what he thinks. 

Jeff thinks: _This is a waste of time. These kinds of programs won’t work for me. I can barely talk in here with you. How am I supposed to manage in a room full of people?_

Jeff thinks: _What’s the point in even trying? It’s just one more thing to fail at. I’m not the kind of person who benefits from stuff like this. And what if I see someone there that I know?_

Jeff thinks: _Maybe I don’t even want to get better. This has been part of my identity for so long, and I’m scared of losing a part of me, even if it’s a bad one. Maybe I’m just meant to be an alcoholic forever. Maybe, after all this time, that part of me is just permanent._

Jeff says: “I don’t know.”

She asks him what he doesn’t know, and he shrugs. She tells him he doesn’t have to talk about this if he doesn’t want to, but it also isn’t going to get better unless he talks about it. 

Jeff says: “What if I’m not the kind of person who can get better?”

She tells him that that kind of person doesn’t exist. That every person has the potential to get better if they’re willing to put in the work. That she has complete faith that Jeff can beat this. 

Jeff gets a little teary when she says that. 

He doesn’t know how to deal with people being kind to him like that.

They talk about that.

**Session Sixteen**

Jeff has a dream about Abed, a gasping, needy, _wash the sheets in the morning_ dream, and he can’t think of anything else. 

He doesn’t tell _that_ to his therapist, but he _does_ want to talk about Abed today. He just doesn’t quite know where to start.

She asks him about his sexuality -- not _what it is,_ but _how he feels about it, his relationship to it,_ which are questions he’s never been asked, and they catch him off guard.

Jeff thinks: _I just want to be straight, I don’t want to have to think about this, I don’t want this to be an issue in my life. I want to like women, and only women, and then things would be easy. I hate that this is a thing for me. I hate being so weak I can’t just love who I want to love._

Jeff thinks: _I’ve liked guys as far back as I can remember, and I’ve never told a single person about it. Even when I’ve been anonymous in a bar, I’ve never worked up the nerve to approach a man. I’m a goddamn coward._

Jeff thinks: _I’m pretty sure Abed is bisexual, but I could never ask him, so I’ll never know for sure._

Jeff says: “I don’t know how to talk about this.”

She asks him specific questions instead. She asks him why liking men bothers him so much (“Because I grew up in the 80s when being gay meant you were unnatural and probably going to get AIDS”) and how long he’s had feelings for Abed (“Since I met him, probably, but definitely since the night we got drunk in his dorm room”), and what it would take for Jeff to get up the nerve to tell Abed how he feels (Jeff just shrugs). She asks him if he still believes being gay is unnatural (“Not for everyone else, just for me”). 

She talks to him about compulsory heterosexuality and internalized homophobia. He shrugs again. She hands him some pamphlets, and he takes them. 

Jeff says: “I want to be with Abed more than I ever wanted to be a lawyer, more than I want to get my degree, more than I’ve ever wanted to be with anyone.”

They talk about that.

**Session Seventeen**

She asks him if he thinks he has an eating disorder, and he says no without really considering the question. She raises an eyebrow and asks if he wants to take a minute to think about it.

Jeff thinks: _I’m not a teenage girl trying to be the skinniest of her friends. I’m not some kind of victim trying to get so thin I disappear. People like me don’t have eating disorders._

Jeff thinks: _What I eat consumes a ridiculous amount of my energy and I panic if things don’t go according to plan. I keep meticulous notes of carb counts and calorie counts. When I eat more than I’d planned, or something not on my safe list, I want to die._

Jeff thinks: _Whatever it is I’m doing, it probably isn’t okay._

Jeff says: “Sometimes I scare myself.”

They talk about that.

**Session Eighteen**

Jeff tells her he’s been hanging out with Abed more, just the two of them, and it’s been nice. And maybe there’s a little bit of tension there, between them, just the two of them, and maybe Jeff doesn’t know really what that means, or how to approach it. He wants to believe that maybe Abed is seeing him in a different way, that maybe Abed wants more than what they currently have. But Jeff can’t break past the part of him that thinks he doesn’t deserve that, and so why would Abed ever even consider such a thing?

It’s exhausting.

She asks what the worst thing is that could happen if Jeff were to be honest with Abed.

Jeff thinks: _He could hate me forever. He could think I’m bad or gross or wrong. He could think our whole friendship has been a lie. He could think I’m a predator._

Jeff thinks: _He could tell me he doesn’t feel the same way. He could feel sorry for me. He could be embarrassed for me. He could tell everyone._

Jeff thinks: _Maybe the look in his eye yesterday was real. Maybe I didn’t imagine it when his hand lingered over mine for a second. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe._

Jeff says: “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know...”

She helps him take some deep breaths. She tells him sometimes we have to take risks, but also not to feel pressured if he’s not ready. She tells him whatever he decides to do is okay. That he is okay.

She tells him he’s worthy of love.

Jeff says: “I’m not so sure.”

They talk about that.

**Session Nineteen**

Jeff tells her first thing that he went to a meeting a few days ago and it wasn’t the worst. 

He tells her second thing that the Starbucks cup he’s holding is mostly whiskey, and he lets her take it outside and dump it.

He doesn’t understand why he followed such a positive step with such a negative one, and she tells him it’s actually not that uncommon. She asks him about the meeting.

Jeff thinks: _It was weird and the room smelled like stale coffee and I put a fake name and number on the sign in sheet._

Jeff thinks: _I didn’t actually say anything, I just watched. I didn’t feel like I was supposed to be there. Like I wasn’t as bad as everyone else there, and at the same time, like I was so much worse._

Jeff thinks: _Maybe I’m not supposed to get better. Maybe that’s the problem._

Jeff says: “Twelve-step programs are stupid.”

She tells him she gave him information for a bunch of programs that aren’t twelve-step. She asks if he’d try one of those.

He admits the one he went to wasn’t a twelve-step at all, and it really wasn’t bad, and that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He admits that he’s terrified.

They talk about that.

**Session Twenty**

She asks how Abed is, if Abed has anything to do with the smile Jeff is wearing when he walks into his session today. 

She says Jeff only smiles like that when he talks about Abed.

Jeff thinks: _We went to a movie and afterwards he came back to my place. I put an arm around him on the couch, around his bony shoulders, and he leaned into me, and then he kissed me. He kissed me on the mouth, and his lips were soft and tasted like that chapstick he’s always putting on. We made out on the couch, him in my lap, his tongue in my mouth, and every so often he stopped to make sure I was okay, like he knew somehow that I might not be. He sat on my lap. He touched me. Ran his hands up and down my sides. Up under my shirt. I let him. We kissed until we were both out of breath, until I got scared of going too far too fast, and he seemed to sense that. He kissed me goodbye at the door. We’re having dinner together tonight._

Jeff says: “Abed’s good.”

Jeff says: “We went on a date, and we’re going on another one.”

Jeff says: “I pictured the worst that could happen, but I never pictured the best that could happen. And now I don’t need to, because I’ve already experienced it.”

She asks more about Abed, what he’s like, what Jeff likes about him. 

Jeff smiles.

They talk about that.


End file.
